The world has gone dead
For context, read the news article published by Dutch newspaper De Limburger on December 12, 2020.
It’s november seven, five in the morning.
I’m convinced I’m going to die. Not tomorrow, but right now.
I can feel my body tries to expel the reality of what makes me.
I see my skull cracking open.
My hands try to protect my pulsating brain.
Or at least, that’s what my nightmares show me, during the day.
I’m in an airport. Everything feels hot and cold and salty and where the fuck am I? Why am I in this country that looks like it’s going to fall apart?
I look at the judge’s eyes. Do I see pain? Or is it pity? Do they take me seriously? How many me’s have they seen this year?
My hair is blue but my eyes are red.
My body is rotting and my brain is dead.
I felt his blood running through me. A stab.
Assault. Abuse. Attack.
Lips scratching open.
A bleeding gape.
No, the police say.
It’s called rape.
I’m going to die.
If so, why am I still here?
NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING
YOU’RE GOING TO DIE
Ghost echoes from my past.
It’s what he screamed at me.
My friend is on the phone trying to call me down. He’s been trying for hours.
I’ve been trying since 2016.
‘Try to sleep’
How can I, when his bones are tearing me apart?
His nails are on my coffin.
I’m tired. Exhausted. Convinced I’m going to die.
But am I really?
Maybe I’m just dizzy
because I am tired.
Maybe it doesn’t mean the shut-down of my heart.
I can feel the fall and scream to wake myself up.
It happens again. I keep screaming.
‘Everything is okay,’ my friend says.
Everything is not okay.
I’m terrified of sleeping. Terrified of falling. Terrified of flying. I’m terrified of losing me. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of proving
Tired of proving
what happened to me.
That you played out my nightmares
as if I was some sort of game
how do I show reality
when reality is insane?
Planes. Sleep. How did I adopt someone else’s fears?
Everything is 2D. Flat. I am watching the screen that is my life.
Disconnected. Connected. Intertwining. Many lives colliding. Abuser 2.
‘That’s not how time works’
Can I get a break? Please give me a break.
I start praying to god, as a final resort.
His silence is deafening. My ears are bleeding. I’m convinced my guts will soon come pouring out.
Why am I like this? What happened?
I’m watching the city on a rooftop. I’m up because I can’t sleep.
I’m inside a hospital, listening to him screaming.
Why does nobody protect me? Why does nobody believe me?
Psychiatric patient. You don’t exist.
I read the lies they call ‘clerical errors’.
Am I allowed to call the truth the truth?
I feel his hands wrapped around my throat.
It’s not me, it’s my body. I am somewhere else.
He tells me that he loves me.
Fighting, climbing, diving, diverting. I’m on a beach near a forrest.
I can see the tv somewhere on a hill. Looking back at what is my life.
It’s not me, it’s my body. I am somewhere else.
I am me, but not the part that tears me out.
Can he murder a mind without killing the body?
The perfect crime. From afar.
But I am close. I can see it clearly.
Because the crime?
It happened to me.
IT HAPPENED TO ME.
I pray to god. Scream at god.
He would laugh, I know he would.
‘One day you will see the pattern, and when you do, I know you can’t love me anymore’
For real dude? YOUR SILENCE IS DEAFENING.
I am me, but not the part that tears me out.
You’re not me, you are the part I’m cutting out.
BECAUSE YOU PLAYED OUT MY NIGHTMARES
LIKE I WAS SOME SORT OF GAME
November 10
Recognition.
‘sexually abused’
Slipped in-between, buried in lies.
‘Clerical errors’
FUCKING FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE?!
It’s November 11, 2020.
‘They say it happened’
THEY SAY IT HAPPENED
FUCKING FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE!?
I can’t even
don’t want even
be clear
can only scream
THEY ADMIT IT
‘This is unbelievable’
YOU THINK?
I look up
and see red
the fucking world has gone dead
‘Write a book,’
the journalist says
as time starts moving slower
‘Because Pieke,
you became a whistleblower’
On December 12, 2020, Dutch newspaper De Limburger published about the 2016 criminal case against my former work partner; Alex McKechnie, also known as youtuber Exurb1a.
In the article the newspaper made public that recently the Dutch Public Prosecution service recognised that ‘the sexual abuse’ he subjected me to ‘has happened’, but that the case has been sent to the European Court of Human Rights: because even though the Dutch Public Prosecution service recognised the sexual abuse has happened, they did not prosecute him.
Newspaper De Limburger also confirmed the Court in Den Bosch made a huge mistake in their decision in the case: they falsely claimed Alex denied the accusations against him, while he didn’t. He used his right to remain silent, confirmed by the Dutch police.
My lawyer Richard Korver presented the case this month to the European Court of Human Rights.
I would like to thank journalist Annelies Hendrikx for her extensive investigation into the case since 2018 and all other newspapers who published about it.
Furthermore, I would also like to thank everyone who has supported me and helped fight the lies that have been spread about me online since 2017.
The majority of rape cases in The Netherlands are not properly investigated and some of them are even covered up - which is what unfortunately happened in my case.
I became a whistleblower as a result and I promise I will fight The State of The Netherlands until they recognise what they did to me and other victims in recent years.
I’m urging minister Ferd Grapperhaus to re-open every rape case of the last 5 years that was not prosecuted and to investigate if similar mistakes and/or cover-ups happened in those cases, as happened in mine.
Pieke Roelofs
This article is part of a series. Please see The Dark Side of Justice for more information.
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