No food to survive

[Trigger and content warning]

How far should one go to ‘hack’ their brain in order to ‘cure’ it?

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‘But you must understand,’ I say. ‘I’ve tried everything else. It’s not like I just decided to do this out of the blue.’
‘I do understand. Of course I do,’ my relative says. And then: ‘Did you know that right before people drown, they feel euphoria?’
I stare at her. The connection she’s making between drowning and fasting is not completely uncalled for. I get her worries. I get it. I do. I’m not completely stupid. But I’m also sick. If occasionally not eating temporarily ‘fixes’ my brain for a few days so I can survive post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) better, I don’t see the problem really.
‘I’m not dying. I don’t have an eating disorder.’
I look at my phone. It’s July, 2021.

It’s April 26, 2021. I’ve not had any food for 7 days except for oat- and almond milk in my tea. That’s between 100-250 calories a day. I ‘should’ eat about 1500-2000 calories every 24 hours. The ‘cleanse’ fast I’ve been doing before starting my elimination diet (to investigate my food allergies), has had some strange side effects. After day 3, PTSD nightmares I’ve had for years, started to fade. After day 4, the derealisation and anxiety episodes I’ve been suffering from, also. On day 6, I estimate that there was a reduction of PTSD symptoms of about 70-80%. I felt energised but calm. I spent hours writing without distraction. I was able to focus. No panic attacks.

What the fuck.

After my first 7-day-fast, I notice the PTSD symptoms come back.

‘That’s very interesting,’ the retired specialist I’m talking to says. ‘It could be due to ketosis. There is little research into this, but in some cases to battle mental health issues if nothing else helps, the keto diet is recommended as a final resort.’

Ketosis is a metabolic state characterised by elevated levels of ketone bodies in the blood or urine, I read on Wikipedia. It’s a process that happens when your body doesn't have enough carbohydrates to burn for energy. Instead, your body starts burning fat, which it can use for fuel. Ketone bodies are produced by the liver during periods of caloric restriction, such as during low food intake (fasting). Ketones are always present in the blood and increase when blood glucose reserves are low and the liver changes from primarily metabolizing carbohydrates to metabolizing fatty acids. These ketone bodies can function as an energy source as well as signalling molecules. Next to fasting, ketosis can also be achieved through the so called keto diet.

‘I’m going to try another fast,’ I say. ‘I’ve been reading studies and I think you might be right about ketosis. However, this may have been a glitch. The only way to find out is to collect more data.’
Data collection. The movie Frequencies flashes in front of me and feel fear immediately. Goddamn PTSD. When do I get a break? Why do I need to try these things in an attempt to cure my brain, while the coward who experimented on me and messed it up, gets away with what he’s done?
‘Are you going to do another week?’ the man asks.
‘I want to see if I can get to 8 days this time.’

During the second fast, on day 2-3 I have headaches, just like last time. The feeling of hunger is also annoying. On day 4 it all disappears. As the discomfort fasting causes fades, so do my nightmares again and also my anxiety and derealisation episodes. On day 8, my family encourages me strongly to stop now. I on the other hand feel perfect; as if I could easily go for another week.

‘I feel fine. I haven’t felt this good in almost 5 years,’ I say. ‘My menstruation cycle for some reason also has become more regular.’
‘That’s amazing but you’ve not had any food for over a week.’
‘And do I look like it?’
‘You don’t. You actually look really good,’ my relative says, frowning.
‘Exactly. You know how much I’ve been able to do last few days. I daresay I’ve written more during this second fast than in the last 4 months. I’ve been more active, been able to remember things better, been able to organise myself. But most importantly: few nightmares. Reduced derealisation. I think I’m onto something.’

I start eating again. Even though it’s very little, it’s already too much for my stomach. I have to puke. I make a plan for next time; I need to introduce food slowly into my diet after fasting, clearly.

‘You’re so calm, you look happy,’ a relative my age says at a small get-together.
‘I guess you could attribute that to the clarity in my brain,’ I say. ‘It seems that I’ve found something to explore that might help. I’m not sure yet.’

After a week of eating again I’m sure: there’s something about these fasts. My PTSD symptoms have exploded again. When I eat, they come back twice as hard temporarily, before they ‘stabilize’ again to the same pattern I’ve been experiencing them for months.

The weeks after, I sporadically fast for 1 day. It doesn’t influence my PTSD symptoms. So I do a third proper fast. Seven days this time.

‘Jesus. You can really tell you’ve been fasting,’ the man says. ‘How much weight did you lose?’
‘Twelve kilos. But it’s not about losing weight.’
‘How do you feel?’
‘I feel amazing. I don’t understand why nobody ever recommended fasting to me. Doctors just put me on pills for years. What good did that do?’

I feel euphoric. Mental clarity. Silence. Hope. My period however has come 10 days too early. For the first time in 5 years my mind is stable, but again: side-effects. I’m honest about everything to my family. They are concerned.

After my third fast, the derealisation kicks in severely when I consume food again. I go through a week of hell. Food has become an enemy and I feel anxiety when I have to eat. People close to me are getting fully aware of how much the fasts have influenced my mental health and they start researching keto diets, encouraging me to try that route now.

‘Since April 25, how many days did you not eat?’ she asks.
‘Twenty-four days.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘I wish I wasn’t. It seems that when I stop eating, the virus in my brain quiets down.’

It’s become clear: the next step is to try the keto diet. See if I can stay in ketosis state while still eating, and if that is the answer to fight my PTSD. I research the diet and find out it’s filled with things I’m allergic to. If I would eliminate the foods I cannot eat, it’s very extreme. Keto diet is already considered quite extreme.

I try the diet for a week but already fail when I accidentally eat too much carbohydrates when visiting someone twice that week and have dinner with them. The derealisation kicks in. I feel like a robot. The world is a screen. That night I wake-up from a nightmare, paralysed, unable to move. I fall asleep again, wake-up, and again, I’m paralysed. This happens about six times. I’m raped in my nightmare and initially unable to speak or move when I try to get up, while I have my eyes open. I know what it is: sleep-paralysis. When stress becomes particularly severe I get these episodes. In other words, I’ve had them regularly since 2016.

I mentally kick myself the next morning for giving away control over my diet and promise myself that upcoming weeks I will not eat any meal prepared by someone else. I need to know what I eat and be 100% sure it’s keto.

I order sticks to pee on so I can test every day if I’m still in ketosis state. I research recipes. I speak to people who’ve done the diet. I make a plan.

But first. A final fast.

Just one, to get myself going.

Just one, to get into the extreme diet mindset, before I go keto.

Just one, to hack my brain and stop the sleep paralysis episodes immediately.

Just one.

‘Did you eat something today?’ she asks.
‘I don’t have an eating disorder.’

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This article is part of a series. Please see The Dark Side of Justice for more information.