Cruel
After another acquaintance of his messages me, I get angry and I start messaging his friends too. I know I shouldn’t, but what the hell? How many people has he been telling lies about me?
Update
On December 12, 2020, newspaper De Limburger (paywall) brought the news that recently the Dutch Public Prosecution Service recognised Alex (Exurb1a) sexually abused me.
An anonymous account messaged me about Alex (‘Exurb1a’) already in december 2016, his sister threatened me, his friend named ‘Simona’ smeared my name on youtube and I had to find out through a guy named ‘Jack’ (see images below) that Alex told Jack’s girlfriend I was a ‘fan’ in a ‘mental health institution’.. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough - and further from the truth than he could ever tell. But what he’s been telling people lately? It’s more cruel than I imagined.
The awareness of how Alex truly (an anonymous account I couldn’t take serious) had been messaging people around me to defame me after he raped me, started in January 2017. (mirror video)
This was when Alex used his Reddit account /u/exurbia, messaged a mutual friend called ‘Caleb’ about me, and smeared my name in the message. Caleb had been helping Alex (see example below) to promote his channel in 2016, and Alex tried weaponising him against me.
After having helped Alex myself with his channel for months while he was ‘unknown’ and we were working together, after giving him advice, encouraging him to be active on Reddit in his ‘fanclub’ /r/exurb1a (see examples below) and promising if he would follow my advice he’d be the ‘next big youtuber’, what unfolded, was.. disgusting.
He used his new-found fans to target me.
At that point in 2017 - after already having been messaged by an anonymous account in December 2016 - I realised what was going on: Alex was sabotaging me, spreading lies about me, doing everything in his power to make sure people wouldn’t believe me. Even my own friend.
Luckily Caleb saw through it. He was one of the moderators of Alex’ online fanclub on Reddit. He had known both Alex and I online, tried to support me when I was suicidal and hospitalised, stayed ‘friends’ with Alex to keep an ‘eye out’ on what Alex did on the subreddit, and reported back to me. Eventually it became too much for Caleb too; he couldn’t handle what was going on. How could anyone, let alone a teenager?
Years have past since Alex violated my privacy and started smearing my name towards someone who was my friend. A friend who saw me on camera crying while I was in a hospital. A friend who tried to help me but was too afraid to say anything publicly - while he had the power to call out what Alex had been doing in the subreddit he was monitoring. You can probably imagine how betrayed I felt and alone: people who knew what was going on, initially didn’t dare to do anything, except ‘watch’ and ‘capture’ it.
Looking back it’s maybe good that many people ‘allowed it all to happen’ so the evidence could pile up. But what if I hadn’t survived my suicide attempt in the summer of 2017? Then they would have stayed silent while a man was trying to drive me to suicide.
I survived though, to tell the story. A story that has been ruling the last 4 years of my life. A story about abuse of power, stalking (see images below, an example how Alex stalked a Twitter friend of mine who had publicly supported me), and an underground defamation campaign that changed everything about me and made me aware of how little you can do once you are targeted by a sociopath.
Since I broke contact with Alex in January 2017, I received countless of anonymous phone-calls. People who would call me and hang up. Not knowing who’s trying to hear your voice is terrifying, and the idea on the background is always there: it’s him.
Throughout these years, I also received thousands of anonymous messages; some cryptic as hell.
For example, an e-mail (see below) where a person tried to ‘warn’ me referring to the Gospel of Thomas by mentioning the line ‘But when you become two, what will you do?’. The Gospel of Thomas are the so called secret sayings that Jesus spoke and Didymos Judas Thomas recorded. The e-mail linked me to a page with information that clarified somewhere in the text if you make something public in the interest of society, you can ‘violate’ privacy laws ‘legally’, so to speak.
The writer mysteriously says in the title of the message: ‘You can’t create a religion using a mac’; referencing the iMac computer I work with. They also write: ‘Try something more sophisticated than flashing pictures of yourself overlayed on elves…’. Interestingly, in 2016, I sent Alex a Snapchat picture via Skype (see below) , where I had taken a selfie of myself using the leprechaun filter for St. Patrick’s day: a mythical Irish elf.
The e-mail also literally mentioned ‘God is watching, god is not Dutch’, which creeped me out, since Alex would regularly in 2016 refer to himself as ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ to me (and he’s not Dutch).
In two particular conversations (see below) where Alex ‘played god’ in 2016, he referred to me as a ‘Dutch human’ and in another he stated ‘as god’ he had been ‘watching me’. Raising the question: is he behind that strange e-mail too? But if he was, why would he try to warn me, let alone give me info on how to safely make things public (about him)?
I can’t imagine any other reason (if he was behind the e-mail) than: this is all just a game for him, and I’m the pawn.
‘He has told me that he loved you so much’, she says.
It’s 2020, and the girl I’m talking to apparently is a fan of Alex, and without a doubt in touch with him. I know, because I’ve seen they’re friends on Facebook. I reached out to her because someone told me they were friends on there (there are people watching his every move right now who inform me about it), and on her page she hinted at being raped too (not by him). Obviously this worried me: a rape victim being in touch with the man who abused me.
I tell her that it's not love if you abuse (mirror) someone and then to cover it up, spread lies about that person, while they are suicidal in a hospital. If you actually loved that person you would admit the abuse and tell your fans to leave her alone. Or the least you could do is make a statement asking people to not target her - me. Alex didn't do that. Instead, he messaged people about me, smeared my name, and left me to deal on my own with the endless abuse online that came for me. Worse: he even (using moderators of his fan club) tried to make out people complicit in the abuse, were in fact me.
A few months after our initial conversation, I speak with the girl again. I ask her the context of Alex’ comment towards her that he ‘loved me so much’, because she’s not the first person who mentioned it to me. A number of his friends for some reason felt the urge to tell me he told them that. Apparently he’s been going around telling people that he loved me and doesn’t want to talk about ‘it’ when they asked questions about the police case.
The girl clarifies Alex told her the moment he knew I was in touch with her that he ‘loved me so much’, but things ‘got messed up and he doesn't want to talk about it’, just wanted to ‘apologize for the trouble’.
‘So he did say that he 'loved me' the moment he knew you were talking to me, as if he knew you would probably tell me,’ I reply. ‘Don't you think that is strange?’
‘If I were to be objective about it, yes,’ she says.
I tell her I find it incredibly strange too, as if he wants me to know he 'loved me' or wants to convince others he did and he’s a victim of love, in some kind of fucked up way. I find it beyond cruel at this point, because why on earth would you go around telling people this, when everything you did to me is not even close to the definition of love, but rather something that could be found in a handbook titled ‘How To Kill A Human? (mentally)’
Because that’s what it feels like. Because that’s what it is like. It wasn’t love if you tried to destroy someone who rejected (mirror) you. It wasn’t love when you stayed silent when that person got targeted 24/7 by the people who admire you. It’s not love, and all he’s done all these years, is proving it wasn’t - even though he keeps trying to convince others of it - and maybe even me.
Does he not understand that his actions have consequences? You cannot claim ‘love’ as a tool to defend yourself.
It’s November 11, 2020. A letter for me has arrived.
It’s from the Public Prosecution Service.
A letter that seems to change everything.
I talk to the journalist who’s investigating the letter: she is telling me what she is planning to bring as news.
There’s one question I want to ask Alex, before I give the green light to publish the news. Just one question.
You might wonder why I want to ask it. It’s because if he doesn’t dare to answer it, I will know for sure it’s a lie. It would confirm everything I have concluded from seeing what he’s done these last few years: that he’s tried manipulating others to pity him in an attempt to justify to not be held accountable.
It’s November 14, 2020. I pick up the phone and call Alex for the first time since I broke contact with him.
He picks up.
“Hello there?” he asks.
“Why are you telling people that you loved me?” I ask.
He hangs up.
This article is part of a series. Please see The Dark Side of Justice for more information.
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