In March 2016, a 26 year old man decided to woo an autistic Dutch mother so he could get further access to her. Subsequently, he started psychologically torturing her during a bizarre experiment. At the time, that mother’s non-verbal son was only 5 years old.

Alex McKechnie is that man, I’m that mother, and that boy is mine.

Maybe after 7 years we should talk about this side of sci-fi author and philosophy youtuber Exurb1a: how he covertly tried to drive the mother of a disabled child mad.

There’s not a lot I want to say about my backstory concerning my child, except: I married very young (not always a good idea), got divorced (sometimes a very good idea) and am now the only person who has parental rights as well as full custody of my boy. I’m his sole provider and carer. There are reasons why, but all you as a reader need to know is that Alex McKechnie is one of the people who knew about my situation. He even met my son.

When Alex and I connected online via YouTube in March 2016 and started collaborating as creatives, my son was 5 years old. When I got hospitalised in suicidal condition in November 2016, my son was 6 years old.

Recap: During what Alex called ‘Experiment A’ in Skype conversations, he proposed to investigate strange coincidences based on the concept of synchronicity by Carl Jung.

A strange coincidence for example would be if your friend sends you a meme about a clown, and next a clown rings your doorbell. It wouldn’t be synchronicity however if your friend orchestrated this on purpose. And that’s essentially what Alex did in my case, and he didn’t stop when the synchronicity that began to haunt me started terrifying me.

The strange coincidences he was causing were initially funny and cute, but eventually became much darker. He kept his lies going even when I got committed as a result of it, and unfortunately because the police still haven't investigated what exactly went down in 2016, I can’t make the majority of things Alex did public, yet.

What I can share is that this British man, to gain my trust to participate in his experiment, deleted his questionable and incriminating Reddit history with red flags, pretended in texts between us that he was a former scientist who worked at the Large Hadron Collider (CERN), that he was a PhD student at the Sofia University in Bulgaria, as well as that Stephen Fry wanted to work with him.

As youtuber BulletBarry revealed before, CERN has clarified in e-mails Alex never worked for them.

And Professor A. Gungov of the Sofia University St. Kliment Ohridski?

He declared Exurb1a never even finished his Masters there let alone was a PhD student.

Stephen Fry never collaborated with Exurb1a - so I think we can safely assume this was a lie also.

What I learned is that Alex told similar stories to other women.

The PhD story (next to remarking this to me from the start) he even told his own Patrons, in a post where youtuber Kurzgesagt responded.

The latest testimony from an acquaintance of Alex about his lies was only taken a few days ago by journalist Vivek Rajkhowa.

Ex-girlfriends also, among others, testified to journalist Mathilda Mallinson about Alex’ sexual interest in women with mental health issues, racism, and even more dark things.

I learned from his deleted Reddit posts that Alex used to be active in the pick-up artist community ‘seduction’ where he recommended people books about manipulating women. Specifically, the ‘Book of Pook’. This book says that anyone who has thought about women will find little value in them, that women should be 'consumed' and in sex want to be treated like an 'object' and real men “TAKE what they want”. It also argues that those who believe it is wrong to “advance on a woman, sexually, with no verbal consent”, are affected by “modern feminism”.

And once, to make a case for vegetarianism? Alex argued on Reddit:

“It's true that most animals don't suffer a great deal leading up to their deaths in the slaughter house. If they don't suffer, is it okay to eat them? Sure, as long as it's okay to eat handicapped humans. There are plenty of retarded humans (I mean that in the strict medical sense) that can be beaten by primates in problem solving tests. If intelligence is what makes it okay to eat animals, then I don't see the issue with eating developmentally disabled adults. If intelligence isn't the issue, and we can't eat them because they're human, then I'd love to see your argument as I'm not sure I can see any rationale there.”

So much for having any respect for disabled people huh?

As a result of what Alex did to me, my developmentally disabled son had to live with his grandparents for 7 months while I was committed on an open psychiatric ward in the hospital. My parents decided to retire earlier than planned because of it.

Two months after he turned 7, my son and I were reunited. Our time apart had an effect on him: especially the first few years after, he wouldn’t let me leave his sight.

It’s not strange for an autistic child who can barely speak to cling tight to his mother. My son is non-verbal, you see. He uses a few words, rarely a full sentence. When he does, most people find it hard to understand him. He’s not able to scream for help if he needs it and does not introduce himself when meeting others. He can never be alone: he always needs to be protected. 

Yet somehow, this youtuber who met my little boy, who even initially asked if my son lived with me (as if disabled children rarely live with their parents..??), thought so little of my son and his needs, he felt no remorse when he decided to mentally mess with me to the point where I needed professional help for it.

Seven years have passed, and my son is thirteen now. He can play ping-pong like an expert and has learned how to do simple reading, can cycle his bike for hours to new places when he’s with a guardian, but he still won’t tell you about his day unless you insist and then he might say one word.

Neither can he explain to you why his mother still visits the hospital every week (therapy) or why she has trouble sleeping (cPTSD) or jumps up from even the smallest sound (in the beginning he actually found this funny).

He can’t tell you why mum until this day gets scared and confused when strange coincidences happen, or why mum wasn’t able to do the most simple self-caring tasks for years, while she was able to care for him and make sure he was always clean and fed. He can’t explain why his grandfather during many nights had to visit his home to hold his mother and convince her over and over again ‘this will pass’ when she started to fear synchronicity was coming for her and the PTSD episodes got really bad.

He can’t tell you why the man he met - who held his hand - allowed his mother to be called a ‘psychotic liar’ online while she was suicidal, and why this man who pretended to be nice to him, did not care to protect his mother, and indirectly - him; from all that.

He can’t tell you either why a friend of his mother, who he calls ‘uncle’, sometimes stays in the hospital in the closed department for months. I can tell you though, and by telling you, I‘m going to try to make a point. A point Alex missed when it came to being believable in his bullshit. (listen closely, friend)

‘Uncle John’ has bipolar disorder. Sometimes he goes mad. He might claim to be Jesus, will call a shrubbery a planet and if he has a particularly shitty disconnection from reality he could make horrible accusations about others. Maybe while on the job. Maybe to his girlfriend. Maybe to me. Maybe to his family. Maybe while giving someone thousands of euros for safekeeping (and that person will then steal his money). While driving way over the speed limit. While putting himself in danger, and others.

Only the thing is - these manic episodes? We - his girlfriend, friends, family etc - see them coming from miiiiiles away. They escalate over a few days and usually have a very clear build-up of a couple of weeks so we’re all very much aware of what’s happening before it gets really bad.

The only difficulty when John x Mania goes live is convincing him he’s actually involuntarily running the Manic John Show and needs to stay in the hospital. He knows it when you talk to him and point it out over and over again. ‘I’m manic right now, aren’t I?’ he’ll say. The problem is, he keeps forgetting unless you constantly point it out. When he’s voluntarily committed, the hospital isn’t allowed to keep John there when he decides he wants to leave. A stable John would tell you: ‘KEEP ME HOSPITALISED WHEN I GO MANIC!’ Only, the reality is, John will keep escaping (read: just walk out of) the hospital and nobody can do anything about it until he escalates to the point where a judge can force him to stay in the closed department. That might involve the police.

You know what us friends of John never do when he goes manic? Call him a psychotic liar to others, even though he is, in fact, psychotic. Neither do we rile up our friends or family to make fun of him online and harass and question him. No - we make sure he gets help as quickly as possible and ask people to please make sure he’s alright. Because you see, John is a great person normally. He’s hilarious and kind. When he goes manic he might be an asshole, but that isn’t John. We try to ignore all the stupid shit he says and just try to keep him safe. It’s horrible when it happens, traumatic even, especially for his girlfriend. But that woman? She loves him to death. She loves him so much she’s gone to therapy to deal with the hurtful and disgusting things he said to her while he wasn’t John. I call him Darth John when he goes woo-hoo by the way, because he really can be the worst.

And John? After an episode, he feels so much shame. He can barely remember what happened and the damage he’s done. But we forgive him, because again: it wasn’t John who did all that. It was his brain firing neurons in all the wrong directions, and sadly he’s a slave to the process and so is everyone around him.

My son never experienced John manic. I know well enough to keep him FAR AWAY from his ‘uncle’ when all this stuff happens and the first signs of his mania creep up. I would make sure no child was near John if he was like that.

And that is not something Alex did, and something you need to realise to see through his bullshit. Alex may have never publicly denied what I said about him - hell, he didn’t even to the police since he used his right to remain silent - but he did deny it to a handful people close to him (and some knew me and/or told me). Some of those people even originally targeted me. So here comes the big question anyone should ask:

If I had been truly a ‘psychotic’ when I disclosed Alex among others abused me, why didn’t he do everything in his power to protect my son and me?

Why didn’t he call my parents (who he met) or friends (who he also met) or the police (well.. he did meet them at one point when he was questioned by them..) and say: ‘Yo, Pie is saying stuff about me that isn’t true and I’m convinced she’s psychotic and a danger to herself and maybe also to her child if she’s psychotic, she needs help?’

You could argue - well, you were already hospitalised! But I was committed to an open department. My son was visiting me every week. I could leave any time I wanted. I just didn’t because I was advised to stay and I knew I needed help. I didn’t want my son to be confronted with my panic attacks and crying. When I temporarily couldn’t be the best mother, I made sure my child was safe. Except Alex didn’t do that; he didn’t do anything that was in his power to keep my son so called safe if I had actually been psychotic. He did the opposite  - and that’s the telling part in this tale. Alex didn’t do that because he knew I wasn’t psychotic. He knew I was traumatised as a result of what he did to me. And instead of ‘helping me’, he told people in private lies about me so they would target me. Subsequently, some of his fans picked up these lies, and started spreading them like wildfire too.

It’s a strange thing when your abuser’s sister starts messaging you online and via e-mails and calls you a liar and tells you you’re a bad mother essentially for seeking help, all while her brother stays silent in the public eye. In hindsight, it’s hard for me to hold a grudge against Kirsten, because I know she was manipulated by Alex. But it hurt, surely.

He was five years old, friend, when we met.

He was six years old when you drove me mad. Not psychotic mad - but suicidal mad. You made me believe synchronicity controlled my life and I had to die in order to stop it all.

He was seven when people online kept telling me to kill myself and your friend James Bowles became your anonymous soldier on Reddit using his Retro_virus account to help you influence a defamation campaign against me, after which you dedicated a book to Bowles just like you did in my case. (‘Thanks man for helping me torture a disabled mother!’)

He was eight when I couldn’t sleep for a year and you seemingly went off to America with James Bowles in September 2018, while on couchsurfing you used a false name ('Alex de Broglie') to others, while the police were looking for you and the Dutch media published about the failure of the authorities to properly investigate the case as well as that they couldn’t find you.

He was nine when I thought your synchronicity bullshit would be the end of me.

He was ten when it was publicly recognised that his mother had been suffering an underground hate campaign for years, that originated in your own Reddit community.

He was eleven when I thought I would never heal.

He was twelve when you dedicated a book to your sister who harassed me (‘Thanks sis for bullying my victim!’), and I dared to leave the house again and found out Bowles deleted most of his horrific messages about me online, maybe because he stopped believing you?

He’s now thirteen, and his mother is finally considered stable enough to get therapy for what you did to her.

Seven years.

You almost killed the mother of a child.

The child is mine. And you’re a coward. But you know this, don’t you Alex? You were 26 and 27 when you played with the life of not only a mother - but also her child.

Imagine. Just for a moment, if you have some empathy left in that place you call a heart, just imagine. Who would have looked after my child if you had succeeded to drive me to suicide?

You’re 34 now, and people might think your legacy is youtube and your books. But you and I both know better. 

I keep hearing over and over again in my mind, what you told me in the summer of 2016, regarding your greatest wish:

“I’d rather be notorious than not famous at all”

You succeeded.

Your legacy will not only be the words in your books. By the people that matter, the kind ones who change the world, you will be remembered for having tormented a disabled child. A child I love more than anyone in this world. And that’s the biggest mistake you made: you underestimated a mother.

And that mother has been tracking down every lie you told, since you were a teenager.

Not alone, by the way. But you know this too. You’ve been ignoring every journalist that reached out to you since 2018 with questions: you block them and continue to run. All while you throw everyone who supported you based on your lies (Bowles, your sister, just to name a few) under the bus.

You run while you know I already won the marathon.

Because I survived you.

I survived what you called love.

I survived the pure hate you threw my way, for saying ‘no’.

Be wise, friend.

(‘Letter to a friend’ - A poem I wrote for Alex and shared online on April 14, 2016, while we were still in touch.)

Your fans aren’t stupid (and neither are your exes). A few who reached out to me are some of the most clever people I ever met.

One day they’ll trace the ‘friend’ in my poetry work, and then in your books, and they will find your modus operandi and subtle confessions and how you hid us in a paper trail. And then they’ll see you for the fraud you are. That you tormented the woman you ‘loved’ and were so weak you couldn’t even face her after what you did and used your own people to target her.

Do you have no shame? Your sister and Bowles are getting questions from journalists as we speak, all because of your silence.

But let’s forget for a second what you did to your so called loved ones. The worst thing, you didn't do to me - you did to my child. And it’s time people learn that. Because that is your biggest crime. And you know it.

He was five years old when we met Alex. He was six years old when you held his hand.

But I’ve been holding it for much longer, I’m holding it for as long as I can - and I’m glad when I temporarily couldn’t, his grandparents did. And you allowed people to shame me for that - shame me for asking for help. While you were the reason I needed it.

Does your sister know yet? Maybe it’s time you tell her.


Honestly, do you have no regret?

PS:

Nice book dedication in ‘The Fifth Science’ in 2018 there, friend.

We stopped talking in 2017 however, after I spoke out.

Do you recycle your words in metaphors too, in the same way you recycle your lies?

I still have the first manuscript you sent me of the ‘Prince of Milk’ in 2016 (before you released it publicly in 2018) and the original dedication you wrote there (before you removed it).

A ‘star to sail by’ (2016) and a ‘lighthouse in everything’ (2018) seem pretty similar huh?

Just say sorry already.

Your friend,
(who you caused to give you exactly what you wished for)
always.

Did I make the darkness conscious yet?

This article is part of a series. Please see The Dark Side of Justice for more information.