The bright side of justice
It’s not worth it. Speaking out. I regularly think and believe this. I know I shouldn’t say that fear out loud, because as a whistleblower apparently I’m supposed to inspire people to fight. I do want you to fight, but I want you to make that decision consciously, in case you decide to walk a similar road as I have.
People don’t like it when the bubble bursts. The fantasy idea they have about the world and how it is organised. The safety and security ignorance provides, is quite appealing. Not knowing at times, might feel better than knowing at all.
We escape in art, music, movies, hobbies, work, to avoid the reality of the world. Some people find solace in drugs, others in books. And some people, like me, tried to find it by fighting the system. By pointing out the flaws. By trying to fix them.
But what if the world doesn’t want to be fixed?
There are so many layers to this world, I’ve stopped counting. There’s global culture, national culture, local culture, and all those cultures you again can divide in sub-cultures. There’s a culture among teenagers, which again can be divided in sub-cultures. There’s a culture within the government, and depending on which organisation you speak to, they either pretend to care about citizens, or downright intimidate you and let you know they don’t care at all. That you mean nothing.
Finding myself struggling through different layers of government bodies, taught me a couple of things. The most important one: being a criminal is pretty easy. Especially if you work within the government. Societies don’t want their governments to be criminal (it would burst that bubble), so bringing attention to their criminal behaviour is already hard. And then there are laws: hundreds if not thousands, that protect the criminals.
Example: a criminal complaint against a civil servant working for the Public Prosecution Service in The Netherlands, needs to be filed at the police station. The Public Prosecution Service then decides if they will prosecute or not. It’s like having a cake-contest with 3 judges who are partaking in the contest.
And then comes the next problem: that criminal complaint will most likely never be investigated. You - the complainant - need to follow up on the complaint. And if they refuse to investigate/prosecute? You need to start a procedure that is forced behind closed doors. No witnesses are present. You are only allowed inside the court with your lawyer and cannot make a recording of the procedure.
I found out all this not through filing a criminal complaint against a civil servant, but by becoming a victim of abuse who filed a criminal complaint against her former work partner. Since then, unfortunately, I’ve become a witness of things I wish I didn’t know. Things that concern government officials. Judges. Courts. Things I should file criminal complaints about.
But is it worth it?
I don’t think it is. It’s one of the depressing dark sides of justice. Realising that.
But then there’s the other side of justice and it’s an important one to mention: the people I’ve met these last 4 years. Becoming a whistleblower has caused some kind of magnetic pull and I’ve been overwhelmed with the messages of kind, loving and courageous people, who wanted to help me. Furthermore, while on this journey, the people who already loved me, kept proving me over and over again that there are amazing people in this world, who will do everything in their power to empower you. To stand behind you - and sometimes in front of you - to protect you.
The bright side of (seeking) justice is finding out how loved you are by those around you who due to their love for you fought with you for years, through the good and the bad. The bright side of justice is being able to look into your son’s eyes, and only see love, and knowing that these last 4 years until I felt this first sparkle of justice (the prosecution service acknowledging I was abused by my former work partner), didn’t take that love away, and that it made his mother so much more stronger and wiser (although more disabled in other ways).
And I’m thankful for that - incredibly thankful for that - because even though for me the world has gone dead metaphorically (take that however you want), knowing there’s still life on this planet that will move on and fight for what’s good and is able to live in the light, is comforting, and gives me solace.
If you do happen to get stuck in your mind like I often do - can I just say: the best way to get out of your mind, is to do something with your physical body. Whether it’s cuddling with your loved ones, cleaning, taking a walk, rearranging a room, making dinner, anything. You will only have that physical body for so long, so use it wisely.
For now, I want to wish you a happy December, and happy holidays, and a happy life, and a happy everything, and I wish you wisdom and love and all things good that inspire you to be a better human. I wish you courage, I wish you the chance to be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness, I wish you the possibility to move on, and I would say I’m praying for it - but God and I are still not on the same page since I challenged Him/Her on a night I will never forget, and that’s a story for another time.
So go out, be good, do good, and do better. I promise you I’ll do the same.
Much love,
Pie